♫ back to school... back to school... to prove to dad that I'm not a fool ♫
(Billy Madison, anyone?)
Well guys, I go back to college this week... and I am freaking scared. I mean, luckily this time around I give no fucks about eating alone or having no one to study with-- but I'm genuinely terrified of not being able to handle the work load on top of my lifestyle. It may not seem like much from an outside perspective, but managing WULAS, my blog, drafting my company plans, planning a huge wedding and fully designing a home, already has my plate feeling overwhelmingly full. Now let's add 50 hours/week of school and projects. It's not that I'm complaining, because I'm very fortunate for my lifestyle and I'm very excited to be going to design school. It's just that I'm scared.
Many of you may have figured this out about me, but if I can't do something 110% (or if my heart just isn't in it anymore), then I don't want any part in it. It just doesn't feel good. It feels like failure to me and it causes a trigger in my brain that will not stop until I stop it. It's something I've struggled with almost all of my life. I commonly refer to it as "perfectionism"; it's the reason my room needs to be disgustingly spotless before I can think, it's the reason I delete videos/posts that I feel aren't good enough, and it's the main reason I dropped out of college the first time around. It's a definite personality flaw that many people don't sympathize with, nor understand, but it is very real, and it makes me who I am. And I like to think that somehow it will get me places in life. It allows me to see SO many things "wrong" with this or that, which can be very draining/negative... but then again, it also allows me to see things that most people wouldn't even notice- which in turn, creates a better end-result.
Anyway- since I can't juggle it all perfectly and it just becomes too much, I'm like... peace out. I'd rather be able to FULLY focus on one or two things (and do them BRILLIANTLY), then spread myself too thin among many things and do a shit job. I consider most everything that I do to be a shit job, mostly because those things are on a schedule and I feel forced to produce SOMETHING in a timely manner (i.e. YouTube) but my career is a different story. I will have all the time in the world to prepare and I will birth something truly amazing because of it. I believe that if you choose your craft and you dedicate your whole life to it, it will be nothing short of perfection. (ex: Walt Disney, Steve Jobs)
I'm REALLY hoping that I can persevere and manage it all. My career is my dream and it is my main focus in life (other than love and having many bbs :P). I have the intention of a 4.0 GPA and kicking ass at this school. I want, no, I NEED, to gain as much from this education as possible. I have all these insane ideas for my fashion label, but I'm only willing to launch it if I have the maximum knowledge/skill required to make it as good as my vision.
It WILL be perfection, or it WILL NOT exist.
I'm so passionate about going far beyond the extra mile to produce something great. Not just something great, but something DIFFERENT and something that brings excitement to a repetitive industry. I'm going to study my craft for years. My materials will be top-knotch. My ideas will be revolutionary. I'm going to work with only the best craftsmen. I'm going to do everything in my power to ensure the best fit, for every body shape. I'm going to WORK.
Although, for as long as this has been my dream, I have had my days where I've reconsidered. Many consider this industry to be vain and materialistic, and really, they are right. So, do I really want to dedicate my life to such a thing? Isn't there MORE to life than fashion and "looking good"? Of course. And I dream about doing BIG, BIG things to improve the world. For example, I'd love to create massiveeeeee "realistic" habitats for endangered species. Maybe some day I will be able to do these things, but I still stand by my choice of pursuing fashion. Why? Here's why:
For me, for my vision, it's not just "fashion". For me, it's tangible confidence. I don't want my designs to just be "clothing". I want my designs to be special treasures. When a girl puts one on, I want her to feel SO good about herself that she is shining from the outside. I want her to reach in her closet for MY design when she's about to confront her crush, or go to speak at a special event. I want to be a part of her confidence and I want to be a part of her success.
That's why I choose fashion.
(and because it's a creative outlet that I think I will excel at :P)
Well, this has gotten long.
I'm going to go.
Love you all, hope you enjoyed the video! :P